by Bill Neal
For New Pittsburgh Courier
:10 Stop…stop what you’re doing…stop right now! Tell your wife-woman-girl-old lady-du jour of the day-old what’s her name…tell her you’ll be right back. Why? Where are you going? The Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition is out mmmmaaaannnn!!!!
:09 Oh, by the way, who cares about Lance Armstrong now? Nobody that’s who. Cause nobody cares about who took what. Trust me, when I tell you. If it heals you, in ten years everybody will be taking it. And why wouldn’t you?
:08 Happy Birthday “M.J.”—Michael Jordan the 2nd greatest basketball player of all time turned 50 this week…yeah whatever. But the real deal is this. You want to keep trying to tell me that LeBron James is greater than “M.J.”—look here’s all you need to know. Jordan…six NBA Titles, six MVP’s with each title! LeBron one title, one MVP with it. Huh…what…I can’t hear ya…that’s what I thought!!! (By the way, Wilt Chamberlain is the greatest ever. I keep telling ya’ll that!)
:07 Speaking of the greatest, and I was. Pay attention here Big John Marshall and the rest of you “Clairton’s Finest” you may learn something here.
The Top 10 Greatest Players Of All Time in order are:
(Because I said so!)
No. 1. Wilt Chamberlain, No. 2. Michael Jordon, No. 3. Bill Russell, No. 4. Kareem Abdul Jabbar, No. 5. Magic No. 6. Julius “Dr. J” Erving, No. 7. Kobe Bryant, No. 8. LeBron James, No. 9. Larry Byrd and No. 10. Jerry West (the Logo).
Got a better Top 10? Mail it to me. That’s right I said mail it…old school…buy a stamp man. And I’ll put it in the paper…if it’s better!
Mail it to Champion Enterprises in care of Bill Neal, 416 Springdale Dr., Pittsburgh, PA 15235.
:06 Sue Paterno and Franco Harris keep doing what you’re doing. Only the guilty should be guilty!
:05 Eddie “E.J.” Jefferies, quit fooling around man. You just want all the attention man. Get better and I mean now! (Special Note: E.J. tell Willa to tell you know who…she stills owes me! She knows who she is…yes she does…yes she does!!!)
:04 Dwight Howard to Boston for Rajon Rondo. Yeah, I am ok with it. Listen, things are so bad in L.A. right now I’d take a fat Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for Dwight Howard. That’s right I said it!
:03 If you could create the Mount Rushmore of sports figures who would it be? Here’s mine. (Again, because I said so…I don’t see your picture atop the sports column.)
No. 1. Muhammad Ali, No. 2. Jim Brown, No. 3. Hank Aaron, No.4. Wilt Chamberlain—Ok for all you 5th Ave Grads…a long long time ago this guy carved the greatest presidents in this big rock out in South Dakota and it’s called Mt. Rushmore and, and, and oh never mind.
:02 Ok, you remember the great comedy classic Harlem Nights don’t ya? (Fellas, I know you remember “Sunshine.”) Anyway, we’re bringing back the glory that was celebrated back in the day when everybody and I mean everybody went to “Harlem.” Rayco “War” Promotions and Five Starr Corporation invite you “Back to the Future.” It’s Harlem Nights every last Friday of the month. No it’s not about dressing up like they did then…it’s about dressing up. I mean really dressing up. Not because you have to, but because you want to. Dress Up—Look Good—Feel Good—Gentlemen escort your ladies—and have a really good time. Friday, Feb 22, 3 Lakes Golf Club 6700 Saltsburg Rd., in Penn Hills, free parking, cash bar, cash kitchen until 10 pm, 50/50, quality vendors, photos available, cash prize to best dressed man and woman, The War Girls, The Allure Models, and professional security. $10 advance/$15 at the door. (Please no boots, no tennis shoes, no caps—dress it up or no admission.)
:01 All I can tell you is this, some guy named Darryl scored nine in a row on the legend Tom “Bum” Coates, Mike Dean is still nursing some fake foot injury to cover up the fact that he’s slowing down, this cat Darryl—Kenny Roe Buck—James and yours truly took two out of three from Coates—Bill—Preacher and Mitch and I made 10 out of 10 at the foul line to shut out the lights…now can someone please tell me what’s not true about this…huh…somebody…anybody…haters…That’s what I thought!!!
:00 At The Buzzer…Hhhhhheeeeerrrrreeee we go!
•The Steelers will redo James Harrison’s contract and he’ll retire a Steeler. Take it to the Bank!
•Rashard Mendenhal will not be traded. If everybody swallows their egos, he’s the best we got.
•The Champions Western PA High School All-Star Basketball Classic is coming at ya Sun., April 7 at the brand new and magnificent Penn Hills Senior High School featuring the top high school seniors in the area, both boys and girls. For more information call The Champions at 412-628-4856.
• Pitt, Pirates, Pens…out of space…good luck!!
• Ok so you know those black tights that all the ladies wear, you know they’re not one size fits all don’t you? I am just saying! (Oh please, you were thinking it too, you just needed me to say it for you.)
~ Game Over ~