:10 Ring…Ring…Rrriiinnnggg…yo, yo, yo, you got “Brother Claus” rib joint “B-Claus” speaking. How can I help you? No, we’re out of baby backs and the short ribs but we got some real sweet and fresh “deer-ribs” if you’re interested! Hey lady, I know that’s hard to swallow but it’s tough out here. We all gotta make a living!
Who? Yeah, he’s still here, but I can tell you he’s in no shape to come to the phone. Said he’s got this problem flying and on top of that he’s got to pull a double-double tonight. And I don’t have to tell you he still has this attitude about his weight problem and being able to get in some of those tight spaces. Alright, hold on a minute. I’ll get him.
Yo, Rudolph, call your boy to the phone, and be quick about it…and don’t give me no lip. You know you’re only a nose away from the grill…and tell Smitty to get the damn elves and them helpers in the red hot pants out the back room. You know I don’t play that stuff on the 24th! Hello, hello…hi baby, this is Santa…what up? Yea, I know, but I can’t get there now. I gotta make this run, but I’ll see ya in the morning I promise…yo Rudolph, let’s roll!!!
:09 It’s 2012 and Panera Bread is still trying to not to hire Black folks unless we threaten them. Come on Fam-i-lee don’t stay away. Go in, buy something and then tell the manager if you don’t see any Black people being hired, you and all your friends ain’t coming back.
:08 Ok, ok, I know it’s a sports column. Can a brother have some fun? Let’s do some sports. It’s the 5 at 5.
#1 The Steelers will beat Cincinnati and Cleveland and win the first round of the playoffs. Take it to the bank.
#2 There’s no hockey…There’s no hockey…as if you cared!
#3 The Lakers have won three in a row and Gasol and Nash are coming back. Watch out Mike Booker and Fred Crawford, here we come.
#4 Don’t look now, but the Robert Morris College basketball team is for real. They beat Duquesne the other night and are on their way to Arkansas. (Just in, lost by 5 at Arkansas.)
#5 Notre Dame—thanks for the memories, but you can’t stop “The Tide.” Alabama is your next national champion.
:07 A $500 tip of the hat to “Mike Kandar” of Bellevue. He’s the winner of the Champions Toys for Tots Christmas raffle. Guess what? To the rest of our ticket buyers…you didn’t win, but you get to play again!
:06 Speaking of a tip of the hat – one goes out to my main man Tony Brown. “Back in the day” no one was quicker on the corner and no one hit harder on the blitz. Tony…you’re now in The Locker Room.
:05 All this Ben vs. Haley nonsense is just that. Every offensive coordinator clashes with his quarterback. They kissed and made up. Now let’s go get us another Super Bowl.
:04 In case you didn’t hear the news, John “J.B.” Woodruff just celebrated his 26th birthday. “J.B.” that now entitles you to keep doing what you’re doing! Sorry, but that’s about all there is!!!
:03 Listen, if you wanna get your party on, any kind of party, see me, and soon. I am booking Gig’s at the 3 Lakes Golf Club in Penn Hills for 2013 and dates are going fast. It – Is – The – New – Best – Spot – In – Town – To – Partay! (Bill Neal 412-628-4856.)
:02 I know what I want for Christmas . . . not to be a quarterback for the New York Jets! C’mon man.
:01 I – know – you – want – this – mmmaaannn! Here it is. The Top 10 baddest women on the planet list for 2013 (subject to change at any minute.) Any problem with the list 1. Too Bad 2. See “S” Broadus. I am on my way to the North Pole for Santa and Diddy’s Christmas Par-tay!
1. Halle Berry (Still the queen) 2. Archie Panjabi (Who? Look her up, you’ll see) 3. Kerry Washington 4. Gabrielle Union 5. Zoe Saldana 6. Thandie Newton 7. Natalie Martinez 8. Jennifer Lopez 9. Angelina Jolie 10. Brooke Burke.
(Queen Latifah and Vivica Fox, too bad you didn’t make the cut. Maybe next year.)
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL YOU XXXXX!!!
(Reference Redd Foxx)