Don’t you wish you could be a fly on the wall, or in this case, a bird in a tree? The more I hear the Tiger Woods saga the more it sounds so crazy, so far-fetched. When Woods wouldn’t give up any more information it sent the tabloids into a frenzy. I’m sure “Saturday Night Live” will do a parody on the story and I decided to have some fun with the most recent news story myself.
In my parody of that night near Orlando I picture Tiger and his wife having an argument over alleged phone calls made to one woman who has been called a professional home wrecker and another who claims to have saved all of Tiger’s text messages. Isn’t technology wonderful? Wifey is not happy and she wants to know what’s up. Tiger does his best Rick James impression and says “I’m Tiger Woods.”
Things got so heated that Woods storms out of the house and jumps in the SUV. Reportedly, he didn’t have on his shoes. He speeds down the driveway and looks in the rear view mirror and sees his wife running behind the truck.
We hear Tiger saying, “I didn’t know she could run that fast…is that my driver in her hand?” BAM, he hits the fire hydrant and the tree. Wifey catches up with the SUV and breaks the glass of the back windows. No, not the rear window, the window right behind the driver’s window on the driver’s side. Now does this sound right to you?
There are so many unanswered questions. Not that it’s any of our business but I’m just wondering, Tiger, where were you going on Friday morning at 2:30 a.m.? Were you heading to Black Friday to do a little shopping? Maybe you wanted to get in line early for a flat screen. No, that couldn’t be it. Tiger must have everything he could possibly want inside of his gated mansion.
So what happened when she broke the car windows? Did she unlock the doors and pull him out and place him on the ground? The 911 call said Tiger was on the ground and appeared to be unconscious. Was it due to your head hitting the wheel or the club going oops upside your head?
Another journalist posed the question why didn’t the air bags deploy? Doesn’t that seem odd? You run into a tree and a fire hydrant and no soothing On Star voice reaching out to the driver telling him that help is on the way?
Woods might want to talk to David Letterman to see how this infidelity thing works. Maybe Kobe Bryant can give him some advice. Bryant cries well on camera and buys very large diamond rings. That might work for you, Tiger.
How does that pre-nup look Mr. Cablinasian? You did get her to sign a pre-nup didn’t you? Did you get her to agree to a teaspoon full of money and to keep her mouth shut if things went south?
Mrs. Woods, etch this in your mind, Eddie Murphy in one of his famous standup routines saying “half.” Put the word half on the bathroom mirror and on Tiger’s golf bag, I think this will correct the situation right away.
(E-mail the columnist at firstname.lastname@example.org.)